Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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