Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I fill condoms, not promises.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
