I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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