So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
