whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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