if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
