she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
