there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
