I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
