Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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