I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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