I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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