i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
