How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
