It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
