I'm eating all of the evidence.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
