New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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