Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
