I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
