I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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