I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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