u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
