I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
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