If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Randomize
