i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
