She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
