I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
