You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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