Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
