Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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