I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
