The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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