I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
