Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
