I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
