I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
