I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Randomize
