I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
