she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
