I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
