Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
