So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just invented taco cereal.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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