Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
