i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
the night ended with taco bell and tears
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
