Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
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