when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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