When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
