Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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