I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
the condom got lost in my hair
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
