im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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